Monday, December 31, 2012

DONE

Done is a very final four letter word.

Today is the last day of 2012. It is also the 300th entry in this blog. The combination has me looking back and reflecting... and thinking a bit about the future.

2012 was, overall, not a good year for me. There were some amazing highlights, personally, socially, and professionally... but also some abysmal low points. This blog was started a couple of years ago in the wake of several low points, and has probably kept some things from feeling worse.

But this year has brought a sense of finality. Sometimes things can just be... over. With little ceremony or fanfare. Just over. Done. How do things end like that? How do we reach a point where we know we're done with something?

At work, I'm done when I've met the requirements for a project (or the deadline - and hopefully the two coincide). At night, being tired forces me to be done with the day, no matter if I have more to do or not. But when taking photos, I have to force myself to be "done", since I'm never satisfied with the end product of my work, no matter how much I refine it.

I guess people say they're "done" when they just don't want to work on something any more. When it becomes not worth it to them. I've acted that way, I'm sure... just look at the state of snow and ice on my driveway... but it is still sad to see.

This year, I received a lot of reminders of such a situation. Late in the year I received a package that was a very stark reminder. It was over. It was done. There have been many times this year that I have felt like a horrible horrible person, and this was the final proof of that.

But in the face of those reminders - I tried to convince myself that it didn't need to be. While some things may be done... may have not been worth working on further... other things were worth it. That I was worth it - that I was not a horrible person. I tried to be more social. I've tried to be more active in things that are important to me. I've worked to revitalize myself personally and professionally.

The results have been mixed. I have met many new acquaintances, and am forging friendships. I am nurturing my love of gaming and its social aspects. I went to the Google I/O conference this year, and am writing code for my own enjoyment again. But the cost of these things continue to weigh on me: Google I/O was wonderful and I learned a lot and made a lot of great connections... but was it worth the money put towards it? I love the projects I'm working on... but am I really learning to my potential with these projects, or just doing them because they seem simple? There are more people I talk to and with now, from my followers on Google+ to the weekly video show I'm involved with... but am I doing this to just get attention... and, if so, attention for what reason?

I ponder if this blog was just a call for attention, for that matter. And should I take the occasion of its 300th entry to say I'm done with it? We'll see what the new year brings.

It is easy to convince myself that I'm a bad person. It is much more difficult to not be done with myself.

But I can tell you this - I'm done with 2012. 2013? Bring it on!